Part II: Mania

I’ve got side tracked from finishing “Sweet Fear” working on a song called “Seagulls”. I think it may be the best song I’ve ever made, but I always think that until I eventually crash and think it’s the worst song I’ve ever made.

Last night was my 16th wedding anniversary with Jess. We had a terrific dinner and afterwords sat outside drinking wine and enjoying the night. We talked about the “creative process”. I’ve noticed there’s an emotional journey that I always go through no matter what I’m making. Song, business, family… It’s always the same.

It goes more or less like this:

There’s the initial rush of having a new idea which carries me through the first while. Sort of a mania triggered by the creation of something new. Then there’s this crippling crash where all the self-doubt and negativity comes in and I think, “this is stupid, why bother…” After that something takes hold to reenergize things. The other day it was a horn section I added to the song, which brought together the verses and created some separation from the chorus. It’s like a prop to keep you going. Then another crash when I realize the drums actually are noticeably out of time in the end bridge and need to be rerecorded, and fuck I’ve already spent probably 50 hours on this goddamn song. Then I’ll finish it and send it off to my friend Caleb to mix feeling ambivalent and just resigned to be done. Then I’ll get a final mixed version, listen with fresh ears and think, that’s pretty cool that I made from nothing and feel calm and ready to move on.

I’ve found most things in my life are like that. Certainly my marriage to Jess over these 16 years has had amazing highs and devastating lows (ie Broken Lovers). And right now I’m in the calm and happy and even stage.

I sometime wonder, is it the same for others? Is that just how life goes? Is it the same for you?